Roger the Alien's Commercial
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Roger launched a commercial that advertised-NOTHING. Short little one-shot fic.


Roger's Commercial.

"It's an ad about nothing!" shouted Roger. "We've all heard of shows about nothing, that pitch always makes it through but not this" he added.

"Sorry, but you can get in some serious trouble doing something like that" said the TV executive.

"Look, once you see my ad you'll understand why it has to be on the air, it's got everything, it's like a movie trailer that lets you see the whole movie" said Roger.

Roger's Ad:

Hi, my name is Roger. In case you're wondering, YES, I'm in a giant mug of coffee. Why I have no idea. Yes, it's also a bird bath. Nice and comfy, office workers.

I sure do like flowers and birds. Welp, that about wraps it up. Just like a christmas present for your loved ones. FYI, girls just wanna have fun. The pretty ones.

Thanks for your time, bitch. FYI, if I was a James Bond Villain Trademark I'd be Dr. JOE cuz I'm all about the morning. Morning Coffee.

Roger the Alien is responsible for the content of this advertisement. For more info call the number on the bottom of your screen, beetches.

"Nope, that won't do" said the TV executive. Roger pulled out Stan's SuperCharge ray and blasted the executive with it.

"I obey, master" said the TV executive. That day, Roger's ad went on the air.

That night, at the Smith Family Residence:

"Why is Roger STILL up in his room? He's not posting on 4chan again is he?" asked Stan.

"No Stan, Roger's just a night owl now. And a day owl. And an evening owl, yeah, he's a total owl. Just like me" said Francine.

"Francine that made no sense. I need to find out what Roger is up to this time" said Stan.

"The cattle auction is on" said Francine.

"Oh my god you're right. And this will be the one that I hosted live!" replied Stan, turning on the TV. Then, he saw a commercial during the break.

Roger's Ad:

Hi, my name is Roger. In case you're wondering, YES, I'm in a giant mug of coffee. Why I have no idea. Yes, it's also a bird bath. Nice and comfy, office workers.

Thanks for your time, bitch.

Roger the Alien is responsible for the content of this advertisement. For more info call the number on the bottom of your screen, beetches.

"That was...seriously the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Why do I feel this uncontrollable impulse to call the number?" said Stan.

Stan began calling the number.

"Hi bitch, you've reached Roger Enterprises LLC totally a real company, how ya doin'? Did you want more info? Sorry sir we're taking a lot of calls right now

and we can't do that shit, bitch, no we're not an escort service, next call please, click!" said Roger, as he hung up. Stan called again.

"Sup bitch?" asked Roger.

"Roger, this is Stan. You can't just advertise nothing, no one goes for that" said Stan.

"What are you talking about Stan? I used flashy colors, comfort language, and coffee. I even mentioned office workers. Look, if you want to find out more

about who we are as a company you'll have to wait. We have lots of callers right now, you're INTERFERING with REAL PEOPLE with REAL LIVES! Yes, you heard me, someone's life could be on the line!" said Roger.

Many months later...

Someone calls Roger.

"Hi, this is Old Man Gus. Is this Roger the Alien?" asked Gus.

"Yes Old Man Gus, yes it is. Hey how are ya, bitch?" asked Roger.

"I don't take kindly to language like that" replied Gus.

"Sorry bitch, so you wanna know more about our company?" asked Roger.

"I think I know enough" said Gus hanging up the phone.

Later...

Haylee calls up.

"Lo-o-o-ng distance love affair," sang Roger.

"Roger, are you singing a Sheena Easton song?" asked Haylee.

"WHAT? How did you find out about us? Don't let her know Sheena!" yelled Roger.

"Um, I called this number to find out about the company, not your steamy affair with Sheena" replied Haylee.

"Hi Haylee, you still into whales? My company is all about whales donate, bitch!" said Roger.

"Woah woah, what? No, I'm not that stupid, Roger"

"But I'm lonely!" protested Roger.

"You have Sheena!" replied Haylee.

"Stay out of our sugar walls!" yelled Roger. Haylee looked very disturbed.

And the next day...

"Hello, who is this?" asked Francine.

"It's Roger, Franny. Say, what are you wearing?" asked Roger.

"Roger, my goodness. Well, the thing is...Stan is right next to me"

The next day...

One of Roger's other personas called?

"Hello, this is Sydney Huffman" said Sydney.

"Hi Sydney Huffman, guess what? ROGER'S HIDE IS ON YOUR SIDE!" said Roger.

"I didn't know you did Nationwide commercials!" replied Sydney.

The next day, Jeff called in:

"Hey, uhh, Roger, I saw you on TV last night? Are you like advertising something?" asked Jeff.

"Yeah, and you're supposed to call to find out what it is. You know what it is?" asked Roger.

"What?" asked Jeff.

"I hate to dissapoint you but it's not phone sex. Yet. That persona drank so much coffee and listened to so much Sheena Easton that she died, but happily.

Also I was a total lesbian back then. Anyway, we haven't got much time. You need to tell me the cheat code for how to stop Agithor in that computer game you guys love so much" said Roger.

"Okay, hold on let me look" replied Jeff.

Bullock calls in.

"I want the coffee mug with the alien, how much is it?" asked Bullock.

"About half the amount of money spent on the war in Iraq all those years ago" replied Roger.

"Right your way, Agatha" replied Bullock, who seemed to be in a daze.

AND FINALLY...

Roger's office got stormed by angry customers demanding their money back.

"Hey, hey, I put you guys first. My company was whatever you wanted it to be, right?" said Roger.

"WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK!" yelled the angry mob in unison.

"Stan, I know this is some fake CIA joke, well its not funny" said Roger.

"THIS IS NOT A JOKE!" yelled the crowd.

"Woah woahwoah, okay look. It's not like...what you get, it's the message that hooks you right? Stick to the message, that'll be good. Oh, and here's all

your money back" said Roger giving everyone back their money.

"Were you like setting an example and stuff?" asked one of the people with pitchforks who looked a lot like Jeff.

"Yes, yes, that's right, I was. Make a commercial good enough and people will buy anything, even nothing" said Roger.

"You can buy nothing?" asked Jeff.

"Yes, Jeff, you were my biggest spending customer. I must have made twenty billion dollars off of your sorry ass. Anyway, the point is this was all a metaphorical thing" said Roger.

"Metaphorical for what? Consumerism?" asked Jeff.

"No, nothing that cliche. I just mean it as a metaphorical guide to how companies can better advertise their products. Put an alien in a coffee mug and say vague but reassuring things about daily life in the office, glittering generalities, yadda yadda, and you've got yourself more popularity than Seinfeld, for everything else there's Mastercard, BYE!" said Roger.

THE END


End file.
